Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Im part way to drunk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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