I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
