He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
