i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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