Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
