Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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