Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize