My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
