Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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