Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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