omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
