You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
