Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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