textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
