If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
