did you get engaged???
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
