glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
