And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm getting married
To pizza
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
