Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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