You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
