I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
