I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I wear drunk well.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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