marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
