does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
