How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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