She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
