Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
