WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
porn star boner night. come get it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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