if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize