Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
