I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Oh god it's open bar.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
