Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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