just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize