Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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