Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
