Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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