I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
