You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
