She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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