hotel room ftw
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
