my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
