Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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