Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
