Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
