i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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