I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
