Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
