anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
