This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize