i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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