my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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