So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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