If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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