If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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