I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
